You know, it was really crazy. The day I lost my mind. I did a soap opera thing, pulled this stunt. And, for what little defense there can be of such a brainless and jackass move, I can only say it was born out of this warped and contaminated place of being emotionally vulnerable.
At the end of the day, I do indeed struggle with what percentage is mine to own. I was of what I thought to be sound mind and bearing, making a decision--what felt like the very first decision of my entire life of choices--and taking my own life in my own hands.
I thought what I was doing was taking the first step, the initiative. Showing my girls my example how to take charge of their lives, to never lose themselves or be lost.
I thought I was doing the right thing, or at least the only thing, that could be done. In the sea of choices I had up until then and for several days, months, and years thereafter, I mistakenly felt that there were none. I felt like there were none the day I lost my damned mind.
And it was, by hook or by crook, without doubt a ticket out. The day I lost my mind was actually a culmination of preceding moments of not actually taking charge of my life as I should have, but it was also the ticket I needed to get out of a life I wasn't so much trying to escape, but erroneously trying to correct.
And so, because of that, there is a tendency to blame only myself, to think of only what I am responsible for, to look inward and not outward, because trying to be a person with integrity means owning what you did wrong just to accept responsibility and not point fingers.
But I have spent a life time turning in on myself like that and it spiral into different if equally negative outcomes, which I over and done with. I have also learned that there is a difference between blaming others to deflect your own guilt and knowing when the other guy was just a fucking asshole and you fell into his pack of lies because you needed so desperately needed to believe in something because everything and everyone around you was so suffocatingly unaware.
I thank God every day that I am where I am, even with the pain I've experienced and the pain I'm currently going through; that I'm not there. I thank God because I'm no longer in harm's way. I'm no longer stressed to the max every day. I no longer have to suffer the presence of him in my life. I have a beautiful life with an amazing boyfriend. It sucks that my girls aren't here and that the reason is because of the asshole ex, but I'm happy they are thriving with their father, a good man and good dad, and that I have a family here with the boyfriend.
Considering all the ways I have fucked up in the last 15, almost 16 years, I am blessed with the fortunes of being surrounded by two beautiful daughters, one step daughter, a fantastic boyfriend, friends and extended family who love me.
07 December 2013
03 December 2013
Write a letter to your 16-year old self
What an absolutely great idea. I read it somewhere, probably on my Facebook feed, because that's all the social interaction I get outside the house these days. Minus work. Well, yeah, so my job is pretty socially interactive. So I guess I don't really know what I'm talking about. Especially on account of being entirely and intrinsically happy to not have to do anything in the evenings. That and the fact that I get the social buzz for the one side of my split personality at work and then I get to be totally introverted, quiet, and anti-people in the evenings for the other side.
ANYWAY...
I caught a glimpse of that on my feed and it stuck with me. I mean, there has to be reflective and therapeutic power in that. And for me personally it flags and goes along with the theme of writing my daughters their own personal letters for Christmas. Maybe because they're both teenagers and writing a letter to my teen self will be very revealing. Maybe because I feel like I've messed up their lives so bad and need to ensure, in some way, that despite their unorthodox lives, and the physical distance between us was forced to be because of some stupid twit decision I made three years ago, that we are as close as I feel us to be.
In either or whatever case, it would go something like this:
"Dear Amy,
I don't know whether to shake you or bite my tongue yet again! You deserve compassion but you're not standing up for yourself. Stand up for yourself! And only do it from a place that comes from your heart and from thinking about the situation, not a defensive, ready-made stance.
Don't be afraid. Don't go on people-please autopilot. It's gonna be hard. All of it. It's gonna hurt sometimes. Decisions that seem to go against the grain or that will piss people off, even your parents. But don't use that strong sense of intolerance for injustice to beak off to people and then cower when it's important. Use it authentically. You're not going to make all people happy all the time. You're only going to have you and your morals to go off of once all the people you tried to please abandon you.
And I know you feel like it's selfish to think of yourself--at all--but you HAVE to take care of you from the inside out. If you don't now, trust me, no one else will. And no one else can. No one is going to EVER be able to read your mind; or know your likes and dislikes better than you, and who better than you to teach those around you how to love you? If you don't do it, who's going to do it? Don't wait for someone else to do it. That's toxic as hell!
Your mom and dad are going through some rough shit that they don't know how to overcome and even more importantly (to them) don't know how to parent past. They are doing the best they can, but they are from an era and generation where they are a little more selfish than the generation before them, and they've both had their own hard roads to get to this point. They shouldn't be together, but that's not your problem. Try not to worry, you will be all right. Just don't let their depression and inadequacies rain on you. And never, ever forget that even in their flawed human moments, all their good was instilled in you and all of your good morals would not be without them.
Just keep your head up. Keep holding onto God. Keep praying. Use more logic and less emotion. Dig deep, pull hard, never do anything or make any decision, however small, without thinking about what you want and then be ready to embrace the consequences. Belly up, buck up, and pull up your boot straps and FACE the consequences. Be happy there ARE consequences. And remember you are never really alone. People will come and go in your life, some will stay, some will love you regardless of circumstance, and some will hurt you, but even when there are no people, there is God. And His Son. And the Holy Spirit. And THAT Holy Trinity will always surround you with people who are attracted to that same entity.
Remember that a real man will do 3 things for his woman: He will protect her physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Remember to check any red flag in any character you meet and think about it. Don't ignore it simply because you're trying to see the good in a person. If you make a wrong decision and hurt people, make it right. But make a decision. Stand for something.
Most importantly, follow your heart and use deliberate, conscious thought always. Things will happen in your life that are unexpected. Good, bad, terrible, attrocious, wonderful and miraculous. Don't let the emotion of pain carry you away into a life of panic, fear, and terror; and never get so wrapped up in elation that you forget who you are, because at the end of the day, it's important to be wholesome, grounded, and eyes focused on the main prize--God and self respect. Everything will follow that, as long as you lead with it.
Quit being so nice."
ANYWAY...
I caught a glimpse of that on my feed and it stuck with me. I mean, there has to be reflective and therapeutic power in that. And for me personally it flags and goes along with the theme of writing my daughters their own personal letters for Christmas. Maybe because they're both teenagers and writing a letter to my teen self will be very revealing. Maybe because I feel like I've messed up their lives so bad and need to ensure, in some way, that despite their unorthodox lives, and the physical distance between us was forced to be because of some stupid twit decision I made three years ago, that we are as close as I feel us to be.
In either or whatever case, it would go something like this:
"Dear Amy,
I don't know whether to shake you or bite my tongue yet again! You deserve compassion but you're not standing up for yourself. Stand up for yourself! And only do it from a place that comes from your heart and from thinking about the situation, not a defensive, ready-made stance.
Don't be afraid. Don't go on people-please autopilot. It's gonna be hard. All of it. It's gonna hurt sometimes. Decisions that seem to go against the grain or that will piss people off, even your parents. But don't use that strong sense of intolerance for injustice to beak off to people and then cower when it's important. Use it authentically. You're not going to make all people happy all the time. You're only going to have you and your morals to go off of once all the people you tried to please abandon you.
And I know you feel like it's selfish to think of yourself--at all--but you HAVE to take care of you from the inside out. If you don't now, trust me, no one else will. And no one else can. No one is going to EVER be able to read your mind; or know your likes and dislikes better than you, and who better than you to teach those around you how to love you? If you don't do it, who's going to do it? Don't wait for someone else to do it. That's toxic as hell!
Your mom and dad are going through some rough shit that they don't know how to overcome and even more importantly (to them) don't know how to parent past. They are doing the best they can, but they are from an era and generation where they are a little more selfish than the generation before them, and they've both had their own hard roads to get to this point. They shouldn't be together, but that's not your problem. Try not to worry, you will be all right. Just don't let their depression and inadequacies rain on you. And never, ever forget that even in their flawed human moments, all their good was instilled in you and all of your good morals would not be without them.
Just keep your head up. Keep holding onto God. Keep praying. Use more logic and less emotion. Dig deep, pull hard, never do anything or make any decision, however small, without thinking about what you want and then be ready to embrace the consequences. Belly up, buck up, and pull up your boot straps and FACE the consequences. Be happy there ARE consequences. And remember you are never really alone. People will come and go in your life, some will stay, some will love you regardless of circumstance, and some will hurt you, but even when there are no people, there is God. And His Son. And the Holy Spirit. And THAT Holy Trinity will always surround you with people who are attracted to that same entity.
Remember that a real man will do 3 things for his woman: He will protect her physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Remember to check any red flag in any character you meet and think about it. Don't ignore it simply because you're trying to see the good in a person. If you make a wrong decision and hurt people, make it right. But make a decision. Stand for something.
Most importantly, follow your heart and use deliberate, conscious thought always. Things will happen in your life that are unexpected. Good, bad, terrible, attrocious, wonderful and miraculous. Don't let the emotion of pain carry you away into a life of panic, fear, and terror; and never get so wrapped up in elation that you forget who you are, because at the end of the day, it's important to be wholesome, grounded, and eyes focused on the main prize--God and self respect. Everything will follow that, as long as you lead with it.
Quit being so nice."
01 December 2013
Bar fight
Oh-kh-hayy now. Ri-i-ight. AS IF. Seriously? I mean REALLY. Are you fucking kidding me? You've GOT to be kidding. Just plain ridiculous.
It's been over a year. A WHOLE YEAR. No, wait. OVER a year. Well over a year. A year and a half. An entire fucking year and a half. And things were awkward well before we quit dating anyway! You didn't pull your weight before we even split; and at the very least I came to understand that I was a dispensable portion of your life by your lackluster efforts to keep me involved, which really wasn't even the bottom line reason for not dating you any more, but certainly a factor nonetheless. And the drinking. OhmaLOHRD the drinking. I don't have to be in a single other toxic relationship to know that I wasn't even gonna GO there. Ugh.
I mean are you for REAL? Are you really, really fucking for real? Seriously. No. Nuh-uh. Nope. Wasn't it bad enough that you were absolutely obliterated by the sauce just in time to greet people at the door at the top of last year's party? What. The. Fuck. Is wrong with you??? Yeah. Remember that? Do you? Yeah, lemme flip a little reminder at you. I was the girl with the boyfriend you were eyeballing and wavering and slapping through dinner, making everyone feel awkward and cross.
You also swore at the CEO of the company, even though that had nothing to do with me.
And all of that, absolute and pure fucking bullshit as that was, could almost be understood, at least where that shit behavior pertains to you or myself, because it had only been some time since I jumped ship. But this year? Saying stupid fucking bullshit because your insecurities outweigh one iota of good sense? Now? That extreme? Excuse me, Person I Will Never Again Regain Respect For, when the fuck did Soloman die and make you king of anything?
What a stupidass rhetorical question. Of COURSE nobody died and made you king. You're just another jackass with insecurities. A jackass who has ruined the only two company Christmas parties I've been to. A jackass who had to open his big, cha-chee mouth and spit vulgar things out of his mouth because he couldn't even handle being passed in the hallway to the washroom by the "new" (of over a year now) boyfriend.
Whatever, you sad piece of work. I hope you find what you're looking for because I certainly will not go to another staff function for as long as you are employed there. That's why I came back and shoved you at the bar and made you break your glass. Shut your fuckin' mouth!
It's been over a year. A WHOLE YEAR. No, wait. OVER a year. Well over a year. A year and a half. An entire fucking year and a half. And things were awkward well before we quit dating anyway! You didn't pull your weight before we even split; and at the very least I came to understand that I was a dispensable portion of your life by your lackluster efforts to keep me involved, which really wasn't even the bottom line reason for not dating you any more, but certainly a factor nonetheless. And the drinking. OhmaLOHRD the drinking. I don't have to be in a single other toxic relationship to know that I wasn't even gonna GO there. Ugh.
I mean are you for REAL? Are you really, really fucking for real? Seriously. No. Nuh-uh. Nope. Wasn't it bad enough that you were absolutely obliterated by the sauce just in time to greet people at the door at the top of last year's party? What. The. Fuck. Is wrong with you??? Yeah. Remember that? Do you? Yeah, lemme flip a little reminder at you. I was the girl with the boyfriend you were eyeballing and wavering and slapping through dinner, making everyone feel awkward and cross.
You also swore at the CEO of the company, even though that had nothing to do with me.
And all of that, absolute and pure fucking bullshit as that was, could almost be understood, at least where that shit behavior pertains to you or myself, because it had only been some time since I jumped ship. But this year? Saying stupid fucking bullshit because your insecurities outweigh one iota of good sense? Now? That extreme? Excuse me, Person I Will Never Again Regain Respect For, when the fuck did Soloman die and make you king of anything?
What a stupidass rhetorical question. Of COURSE nobody died and made you king. You're just another jackass with insecurities. A jackass who has ruined the only two company Christmas parties I've been to. A jackass who had to open his big, cha-chee mouth and spit vulgar things out of his mouth because he couldn't even handle being passed in the hallway to the washroom by the "new" (of over a year now) boyfriend.
Whatever, you sad piece of work. I hope you find what you're looking for because I certainly will not go to another staff function for as long as you are employed there. That's why I came back and shoved you at the bar and made you break your glass. Shut your fuckin' mouth!
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