Resolutions. Yes, I actually have them. For the first time!!

I actually, really, for reals, have resolutions that I fully intend to stick by. Who woulda thunk it!?

What I am most excited about is that I feel they are realistic and that I can follow through with them; which has always been my excuse for never setting a single other one in my whole life. Like, ever.

Seriously. I don't even stay on track with Lent. That's considerably more important than the so-called social bandwagon of New Year's Resolutions.

It's a new year. What can I say. A new year in the new life that is my life now. I'm not exactly the same person I was before. At least I hope I'm not. I hope I took the good stuff, banished the crap from my soul, and took on more good stuff, shoving it deep in my cellular makeup.

Anyway.

I really thought about what was close to my heart. What did I really need/want to improve on? What was imperative that I get right this year, that I've not worked on so much in previous years? (Besides not making resolutions at the top of the year?)

One answer. My girls. More specifically, my family.

1. Play more video games with Celia

2. Be ready to have my hair and makeup played with lots more by Aurora, as well as be her guinea pig for manicures and nails

3. Spend less time on the computer in the evenings

4. Spend more time in private with God; some people call this meditating. Whatever. For me, it's the awesome dude who created us all.

I cannot stress how, at the age of 32, this has become more than just a duty. One has to understand that my entire adult life has known no other way but being a mom. It started out as a personal sacrifice laced with rightful duty--an emotional conviction deep within my core--and blossomed into a choice.

What? A choice? How can that be, right? Obviously it's not like I could (or would ever!) give them up and then, like, re-adopt them or something. It was the difference in the attitude I had toward parenting: surviving parenthood at eighteen versus engaging parenthood full-on.

And then, call it age, necessity, maturity, whatever you want, I really started to feel these waves of needing my family near me that stirred deep within me about a few years ago, when the pain of leaving my mom standing at the train station in Seattle left me surprisingly, gut-wrenchingly wracked.

Who knew I'd ever grow up out of my surprisingly cocky, surprisingly naive, suprisingly angsty 20s to really re-grow an attachment to my parents, my brothers, even now my cousins and aunties! It was like re-attaching an arm that I had ripped off myself.

Needless to say, for all that I whined about in the last 15 years, and even more specifically on this blog, I needed my family the most.

And I LOVE being in my 30s now. I kind of remembered that I was waiting to be here a long time. Yeah, sure, I've complained about feeling my life is half over and wondering what I've done with my life. But frick! I'm changing my mind. Yup. Just like that. Because I have realized the importance of focusing on the positive. I have realized this by being consumed with the negative for far too long. And I don't even know how. I'm going to say: it just happened.

(Gaaa!! I'm really digging this Collective Soul album tonight! Staring Down from their second self-titled album.)

I'm not only just tired of working so hard at trying to get the people who just don't get it to GET it, but I am tired of the effort of it all keeping its grip on me. Tired of people who don't have the time of day for me and even more tired of giving the time of day to people who don't have it for me. Truly fed up with people who don't like me. And I have crap to teach my girls, crap that I learned from all of this.

Like following your heart, for one.

And for two, following your gut.

With having basically ditched town and torched a lot of friendships, I'm pretty much at the top of the heap of detestable things, really, and so my biggest fear of being hated came true and my second biggest fear followed suit: having to take responsibility for my share of things going wrong long before that.

It can't get much more in my face than that! I'm up! I'm up! I smell the coffee, dammit!

Christmas rush

There is so much to do!! And with the blur of what is only best known as the Christmas concert/party season coming (and oh yes, it hath come upon us AGAIN) and one vehicle to shuttle four people, it is getting even crazier. What I don't understand is how the intention of keeping things simple this year ("...let's just pick what one thing WE want to do each...") has morphed into 'oh-for-the-love-of-god-I-don't-want-to-keep-this" overlap of not just activity/sport/group potpourri, but annual obligation.

Not that I'M complaining. The montage of holiday hodgepodge is a flurry of peopleness. Socializing. Laughing. Cross-grouping. Hanging out with people that you haven't seen in a while that just feels right and good. Helping out, volunteering, playing music--and lots of it! It's just who gets dragged through the dregs of that aspect, regardless of how much I thrive on (and yes, too, get worn out by) it.

The concert season alone keeps us hopping. Kyle alone has one junior high band concert, but also all the prep for that, including rehearsals and set up. It is of some significant blessing that he doesn't have the grade six classes this year to prepare for the elementary school concerts, otherwise, that would have put two more concerts on his plate. In the past, there were three additional concerts to the one junior high, before one of the three elementary/junior high schools shut its doors due to being condemned.

I, however, have those two concerts by ways and means of accompanying on piano, which puts us right back on the radar for them. Which means more driving, if not shuttling, around in the cold, northern winter temps and maneuvering on ice in dress shoes. The girls are older now, so it's not as problematic because they can sit and behave and/or are a part of the show.

I cracked just before Christmas...

I wrote this in my other blog some time ago, after I'd completed the ginormous project of painting the entire upstairs.
* * *

Well... Oh my God, I don't know what to say. I mean, really, thank you so--

-much!! *tear*breathe*

Okay. *sigh* I'd like to thank first and foremost my publicists and agent. Without their undying support, I would not be here. Bug and Doll, you know who you are. HB? Yeah. You were there for me through the worst of it, from the beginning until the completed project. You helped me. You helped me so much.

I just can't believe it...

Thank you so much!

Uhh-m, I'd like to thank the paint mixing people, the supply store, um... the (*cue polite laugh) till clerks who rang me through. I just don't know what to say. I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible. This award goes out to you, this award... IS for you.

But mostly I would be amiss to not mention the hugest thank you my husband and my beautiful girls. This aware goes out to them-

No! Don't you dare cue the music!

-for their patience in living in disastrous conditions, having to navigate the treacherous piles of clutter in the living room, giving up their comfortable lives for the sake of Crazy Mommy Painting The House and um..

Wait, wait, wait!

Just... thank you all, dear people, for this award. This- *shakes head, tears up, shakes award* prize for the biggest job ever. I love you. Mommy loves you. *Mwa!* to you... goodnight, go to bed. Thank you, Academy!!

--*exit stage right

uh--mm. Happy New Year!

Okay, so it's not quite New Year's here in the central time zone, but by the time I finish this post, it will be.

Happy New Year!! A time for resolution, reflection, hopefully new promise (or at least renewed promise) and a whole new refresh.

Of course, this is only so far as the pop culture has counted it--a new beginning, so-to-speak--because our Julian calendar flips forward one more number and the way in which we count and measure life starts over at 1. We don't have to get too contemplative about history and the debate over having learned from the past or not as humanity has shown its repetitive errors over centuries of sin and abuse, but we also know that there is relief and hope (hope being the essential key word) in flipping the page, recounting at 1, and starting over. Even if it is only by human measure.

I am also a little bit buzzed and if it seems like my little account, my little New Year's eve ramble, is a little windbaggish and over-exherted, well it probably is. I've had about ten glasses of wine and enough nachos to feed a small family in a third world country. I stand by what I've said, though, and tend to find the inhibitions with which I usually approach writing are pleasantly thrown out the window with a little bit of wine (or BEER!)

Happy New Year!

T-minus-36 hours...

Mom's coming in tomorrow. I'll need to remember to get that coat from Darlene before I go and grab the ones here. Need to get Kath's phone number and make sure I have a map and a shovel (you know, just in case there are stupid kids trying to pass me on the winter roads again) for bailing tires out of snow. I have learned that I love winter driving, but even the best driver is up sh** creek if they're not prepared.

There are outstanding bills, gift-shopping still to be done, money to come in and I'm just trying to ride the tide. It's tight and I've little room to complain as I quit a good-paying job and moved to a lesser-paying job to keep my sanity (and protect the well-being and ears of my family), but K and I are feeling the pinch. I'm not panicked by any means, unlike years in the past, though, which is good; and I think all the years of living each day as your last has come into balance with wiser thinking, financial sensibility. (NOT saying money is important, just knowing how to manage it.) It's one thing to learn the important, powerful life lesson of realizing life is precious, but it's completely another to learn it at an immature age and taking it to the extreme--either by neglecting finances or by allowing emotion to override everything.

I have to work today and I am also stepping in this afternoon to rehearse with the elementary kids for their concert as the other accompanist double-booked himself and pawned the non-paying, adult-less gig this way. I want to get chicken in the crock pot for K and the girls so they don't have to worry about fixing supper. Get the last bit of laundry done, get cleaned up, get the blanket and seat covers out to the car. K just called and we're going to lunch. It's busy, but everything is coming together and thank God (I mean truly, really) I have such a great family, supportive husband, and one that can do all that domestic stuff so that I can leave Friday feeling assured it will get done. K is amazing. Baby, YOU'RE amazing! =)

Over and out.