I've learned, through the wreckage I have caused or witnessed or been a part of, that the only thing in this entire world that I can control is myself and my actions.
I can't control the thoughts or feelings of others. I can't control their actions. I also can't manipulate a situation to my favour. That's not to say that I haven't tried.
But to that end, to the end of really trying to own that very real lesson of self-control, boundaries start and end with self-control, and I still struggle with self-control, regulating emotions, and in a word: coping.
I am still noticing a distinct and acute inability to be my true, rational self when I am working on something that is taking up my attention or doing a project that requires critical thinking.
First of all, I don't naturally start with critical thinking when taking up a project. I have learned... to approach various tasks, whether at work or at home, with a kind of framework that basically "gives" me (me giving myself) the time and opportunity to think about the steps I want to take. I have "bootcamp practiced" this to fix it and so that I can more consistently set myself up for success. But it is not in my nature to do so automatically. Not my nature at all. I prefer sporadic and spontaneous bouts of various missions accomplished which I pull out of my ass and do with flare. Because when I had to do that, it worked for me. Sort of. And when the time came where I didn't have to, I was long into the habit of it.
That means starting on a project without the right tools. Or telling someone I can do something quickly and learn otherwise just as fast that I can't. I've gotten myself into pickles but I've had to get myself out of more times than I care to count. It comes from the same place that would leave me trying to sight read my piano music in front of my teacher, like a wild, panicking beast, because I refused to practice. But I'll talk about that later.
It also meant getting right pissed off when someone would try and tell me what to do or make suggestions that were truly and ultimately harmless regarding some tasks. But we'll get to that hotly messed narcissism later.
Second of all, whether or not I started a task with a precursory framework or pulling a stunt out of my ass, it seems that all the work I've done on my mental health to cognitively rebuild my poor thinking habits and poorly established emotional habits goes out the window. I find that I revert back to the busy, non-thinky, overly critical, supremely negative version of myself. The one that picks fights, the one that criticizes, and chomps on anything and everything in her way. The unhappy, unsettled, damaged (?) little 16, 17, 18 year old who is flagged and choked and triggered on every. last. little. thing.
This is embarrassing ay-eff.
Now, this doesn't happen all the time. And I don't get that way very much anymore. And I am personally convinced that something about the way my hormones work throughout my cycle have something to do with it. At the very least that would explain the inconsistent emotional turbulence, when all I want is nothing more than to be consistently emotional. At least to the point of being able to see it coming and manage it when it does. The problem is that I'm still being blindsided by it to some degree, but even worse is that my family, in particular my husband, are blindsided by it to a major degree. This is a major problem. I'm 42 freaking years old.
