"Stay With Me"

I have to count my blessings. This year alone has been filled with huge presents and big milestones. And I, for one, find the music hitting the airwaves these past few years has been really good, too. That really helps. Anyone who knows me knows that music is my breath, my blood, and ora-like extension of myself. When you just can't find anything flipping through the stations, listening to the countdowns, or on TV (especially there, with all the music talent reality shows!), you know you're hooped.

But in my life. Hopefully, not speaking prematurely, the meeting with the banker tonight was just the cherry on top. Back a few years, I was somehow miraculously blessed to get a brand new car and finance it myself. Shortly before that, I had secured a small-limit credit card with funds and work on my credit with small purchases. In between getting the card and the car, I started working for Ford, wherein I established I could provide for myself. Meagerly and just barely, mind you, what with the mega overdraft that's lingered around since a certain greasy creep was in my life, but there still existed a perseverance, I'd like to think.

Struggling since divorce to get on my feet, like any other Jane Smith, wondering if I'd ever get above water. Dreaming of a time where I'd at least be able to make it a little past each paycheck AND not have to depend on anyone to do it. Straining and popping veins over trying to stay in control of my finances and debts while watching those paychecks fluctuate in take-home pay, either because I'd forgotten some irregular expense or because the lady upstairs made a mistake. Wondering if I could be responsible--truly responsible--with money enough to earn good credit.

But all of that happening in and around and amongst beautiful things like an engagement ring, a proposal, life with a man who helps me to see and remember all the good and beautiful things in life, there is hope and relief and a view of the horizon. Trevor hasn't given up on me. He is the very model of a good man, the kind your mother would want you to bring home, but also a good partner and a very best friend. While we go through life on our individual paths as companions for the other, we also come together and without becoming an unhealthy, fused couple; and I have felt, for the very first time in my life, a sense of individuality joined just perfectly with a sense of belonging, being involved in a common goal, a sense of having someone who, of his own free agent, is on my side completely.

And with that, the very starting point for me to see and look for the positive things. I think other people in my life have probably frustrated themselves trying to get me to see these things for myself--and I knew I needed to--but I had to get to that point by myself. Even though I still struggle with remembering to see the good things, I feel like I have help somehow. I feel like it comes more easily. And I feel like I have someone in my corner to help me when I forget.

It feels good to breathe.