First of all, I like my job.
Second, I came home tonight after a crappy night at the job to an immaculate, sparkling, clean-smelling, freshly polished, completely detailed, tidied, organized, pristinely arranged, and overall LOVELY house. It was like Mrs. Butterworth, Aunt Jemima, and Mr. Clean all came to my house and professionally detailed every nook and cranny. It was amazing. I was absolutely astonished and in love and.. a little bit turned on. I don't think our house has been that clean, that fresh, that polished in, well... I don't want to say...
I mean, it's not as though we don't clean our house. Eww. Gross. It's that the different areas are rarely, if ever, completed simultaneously. One week it's the floors, another week might be dusting, another something else, hell usually laundry, constantly a cycle to tackle the most pressing duty at the time; and then when company comes, we usually do a pressure-cooker jam of cleaning. But we haven't done them all at once probably since before I had my rock-crushing job. Oh God no. Do you think we have time for that?
Anyway, since everyone is away (and I mean everyone,) since no one likes us, since everyone else is in places like Florida (no word of a lie--THREE seperate families we know are there now) and Jamaica (yeah, mon) for Spring Break and our girls are livin' it up on their own down south with the grands, Kyle and I have been living like empty nested retirees with nothing better to do than, well... the things we are doing. (*Hee hee hee.) One of them being plans to clean whilst the girls were away just because we could without them getting underfoot, interupting, making it worse, or complaining.
But I, being the true procrastinator that I am, have been putting it off, but Kyle was the super good guy and did it all. ALL. Man I love that man. I just don't know how to thank him. Well, I can think of a few ways, but those are really not for this forum methinks. I don't know why he did it, I won't question it (even though I do--every woman needs a man like him and not many will get one,) but I am still astonished by the job and amazed by that man. Baby, if you're reading this, you know, after we're done, um, you know, well, I love you.
That being said and having given credit to the man I love being the awesomest husband on earth, I am jumping tracks. I now give you...
The Do's and Don'ts of Eating Out:
The harrowing tales of waitressing
Flag your waitress down disrespectfully
Act as if your waitress is only waiting on you
Touch your waitress
Bark at your waitress
Roll your eyes at your waitress
Let your kids play with everything in sight (KEEP CONTROL OF YOUR KIDS)
Let your kids scream at the waitress
Let your kids roll their eyes at the waitress
Pretend that you're at home and that Rover will eat what you drop on the floor
Let your kids run loose. AT ALL.
Paint pictures with ketchup, jelly, syrup, or any OTHER kind of substance on your table.
Open your creamers only a little. Tell me, have YOU ever had a cream pop open on you? In your pocket? Down your pants?
Be a slob
MORE DO NOTS...
Treat your waitress as though she is beneathe you.
Treat your waitress as though her only job in life is to serve you
Forget that your waitress is human
Remember that you are going out to eat, that it is a treat, that eating out means not cooking, and that you are doing this so that someone else can clean up the mess.
Familiarize yourself with restaurant policy by asking questions politely. Especially if you
frequent one or more eateries.
Remember that you are a guest there, not a king/queen
Ask questions about your bill if you need to
Tip your waitress. Don't be a cheapskate. If you can't afford an appropriate tip, then don't go out.
Joke with your waitress
Remember that a little respect goes a long way and even though you will be tipping her for her service, that does not give you the right to treat her like a dog for your two dollars. If you remember that a little respect goes a long way, you are more likely to get a more pleasant reaction and far better service in the long run. Especially if you are a repeat patron.
I wanted to make this funny, but I just couldn't. Nothing sets me on fire faster than degradation. I won't have it and no one--no one--deserves to be treated that way, I don't care what angle, creed, culture, or mood you come from. Not that anyone who reads this would ever treat their waitress poorly (and thusly, the ones who NEED to read these rules will probably never see them), but I really had to get this off my chest.