01 October 2014

Thank God my grandmother was a seamstress

I don't even know why I try. Well, I do. But. It's just an on-going, constant, never-ending, up-hill battle with money. The harder I work, the less money I make. I don't seem to be working smarter, just harder. And for what? What am I gaining? More of the same unless I change my circumstances. 

Which I'm trying to do.

This isn't even remotely about wanting hords of money. Or having what everyone else has. I really, truly am content living very basically. It's about not having enough to provide adequately for things my family needs. I don't even have enough for my very piddling "basics" that some might call frilly. Make-up and hairspray. Deodorant. I seemed to be doing better on less, somehow, even though I probably really wasn't; and I'm just trying to figure out the suffocating question of how NOT changing my frugal, tight-ass spending habits all this time is adding up to being SUPER behind when I was just starting to move ahead from the not-so-bad behind!

I've gone over my statements, transactions. Other than the $45 I spent on three outfits that I desperately needed (so many of my clothes right now are patched up or getting holes, snags, or tears!), I haven't spent a frivolous red cent in the past three months.

I have to stretch everything. Make every single cent count.

I hate my job.

Not really. I just hate how hard I work for so little pay. I just hate that I'm supposedly a 'star' at what I do and have been told that I would succeed in other departments quite well, but that I "can't" be paid any more for what I do now.

I feel stabbed in the feet, hands, and back.

I just want to know what happened! What happened to being rewarded for a job well done? What happened to what I was trying to start? Savings, even ass-clenchingly tighter budgeting? What the hell happened in the meeting upstairs between my two bosses? What in the hell happened that made it okay for me to bring home, literally, hundreds less per month than the advisors, who've all been there a sum total of time less than I have? With a job that is only one - ONE - component of the whole spectrum of my position?

I'm not even questioning this for the sake of what's fair or not. I'm befuddled that I could be so blindsided with such an enormous lack of self-assessment. The nagging question is there. How? How does a person who can do every job and perform every role and master all of the positions there are in on section of a place get paid the least? I do exactly the same thing that each and every role does, AT the same time, on any given day.

I wear hidden holes and patches to work.