22 May 2009

I keep working on it...

So, to recap:

September/October 1997
-broke ass college girl, who hasn't even been in college long enough know how broke she is, learns she is pregnant

-broke-ass college, single girl at 18 is a mess in her head and puking in the worst spots every day because there is never a bathroom around or close by: over a grate in the back of a janitorial room, projectile in the bathroom downstairs; AND she gets lectured for taking food out of the cafeteria; sick for 6 months

January 1998
-broke-ass pregnant, college girl gets apartment (*a lucky fool to have been given money by her mother)

-broke-ass pregnant, single, college girl at 18 whose significant other was attached by a thread

March 1998
-broke-ass pregnant, college girl who was able to obtain some broken form of peace by his arriving on her doorstep 8 months into her pregnancy

April 1998 -- November 1998
-broke-ass pregnant girl at 18, crazy and angry, confused and naive, desperate and unknowledgeable, poor with no good-paying job, head too full to think of options has baby girl

-BASM trying to figure out her place with said significant other; baby grows

-BASM doesn't get out. Much. Somewhat lonely and isolated; baby takes her first steps

November 1998 -- February 1999
-BASM and significant other fight. A LOT. BASM and S.O. break up; he doesn't leave; she finds a friend to go with for the annual Valentine's dance; she starts to realize things

March 1999
-Finally, S.O. moves out.

-BASM starts to equal girl; young mother

-young mother starts to date really tall, charismatic Canadian boy but falls apart at being BASM again, with S.O. having left and no follow-up support; baby has first birthday

May 1999
-young mother sends mixed signals to Canadian boy; Can Boy graduates from university, doctors suspect testicular cancer

June/Summer 1999
-CanBoy leaves for surgery, goes home; young mother tries to find a second job; goes back home for brother's graduation; no relationship developed with CB--just connection; Young Mother returns to College Town

-CB tries to stay in touch; young mother doesn't know what to do; head is such a mess

-CB makes it through surgery, doesn't tell anyone he's leaving for College Town, surprises young mother at home; YM overjoyed at his arrival, worries subside; couple learns that removed tumor was malignant

-things take off quickly for CB and YM; resume togetherness; try dating; YM proposes to CB; CB accepts

July 1999
-YM discovers an inch of water all over her basement apartment on lunch break; stacks are ruined, papers destroyed, clothing soaked; gobsmacked; YM and baby move in with CB and his roommates to get away; roommates not particularly happy

August 1999
-YM's brother announces his shotgun wedding the Friday before the Monday he is going to have it; YM and CB decide to surprise brother by overnighting it back to YM's hometown; leave flooded apartment and CB's house after CB's nightshift; head out

-8-hour trip is too long; YM falls asleep at the wheel, sends GeoTracker rolling multiple times; all three passengers survive; YM's head is bashed like crazy, CB's back muscles torn, eyes bloodshot, baby is ejected from vehicle with miraculous mere damage--two scratches--one on jaw and one on collar bone.


-baby, YM, and CB all rushed to hospital; EMT on highway just moments behind witnessed accident, called into dispatch; baby and CB released within 2 hours; YM in ICU with concussion for three days; brother's wedding postponed to next day

-chaos erupts as YM's mother rushes in on last minute flight; parents amidst divorce argue, wedding commences on postponed day, tensions rise, custody arrangements over younger brother take precedence; CB is verbally accosted by YM's family members; YM's younger brother goes missing, father ends up in jail that night for "hiding" younger brother with biker friends; older-middle brother ships out for basic; YM's head trauma overwhelms the situation, parents and extended family cause CB to book hotel room away from mess

-YM's grandfather gives her and CB old car to get back to College Town with much reservation; car breaks down halfway to College Town; CB's friends drive from College Town to pick CB, YM, and baby; all move in together

-YM, already late for the school year, avoids going back to class; head is in immeasurable pain, total recall impossible; resumes classes; can't find lecture halls and doesn't remember bassoon fingerings; landlord of flooded apartment demands rent; CB's student visa expires

-Wedding plans non-existent; Young Mother haggles with landlord, gets out of apartment, gets back into classes, fog slowly lifts, new roommates help out immensely; YM gets night sitter for night job; some normalcy begins to form, but routine starts to wear; CB decides to take Master's classes to extend student visa

October 1999
-CB and YM talk, understand unlikelihood of summer wedding occurring; talk over weekend, agree to go with JP wedding; CB books judge Monday, couple tells friends Tuesday, Wednesday; Thursday get out of school to get hitched, baby stays at sitter

-Third year in, YM contemplates quitting school; has very little time with new hubby and baby, behind in general credits, not enough hours in a day to do school/work/mother/wife; CB's Master's classes are too expensive and too draining to continue; CB drops classes

December 1999
-YM does exit interviews, drops classes; new family visit's mom in Nevada, where mom now lives, for Christmas; go to Disneyland; get ready for the big Y2K; CB and YM talk about moving to family to Canada; YM is pregnant

January 2000
-New Family makes motions to leave States; CB goes north to look for job, secure place for family; YM stays behind to pack

-phone is disconnected early, CB can't get a hold of YM to relay bad news: cancer was back; YM learns news upon his arrival to move them up; YM packed very little, scramble to get vehicles filled; roommate lends truck space and drives with caravan to Canadian border; all tears

-CB begins outpatient treatments, outpatient chemotherapy; loses hair; family living with father of CB

-YM not legal to work; helps out with house cleaning; life is scary and stressful living in new country with new inlaws

-YM doesn't think of exploring new surroundings, stays home while hubby leaves for daily treatments; hubby endures hours-long sessions, YM have little quality time together

Spring 2000
-doctors give hubby clean bill of health, mass in lung becomes calcified node; hubby tries to find teaching job; settles for prep cook by day and bouncer by night

-hubby goes back to work right away; hubby's dad lends young family second house to live in; pregnancy progresses

-couple experiences some freedom, but money is tight

July 2000
-teaching job hunting pays off, hubby gets interview; northern Canada; gets junior high band teaching job; family gets ready to move

August 2000
-baby girl arrives; final packing completed; move 8 hours north with 2-week-old baby

-move into two-bedroom apartment; school starts; adjust to life with salary; hubby continues medical check-ups

October 2000
-world comes crashing down, doctors inform hubby of second relapse; must leave everything to follow him into hospital

-hubby moves into hospital, family moves in with friends; roller coaster begins


20 May 2009

But you know what? It's okay. It really is.

Not to the point that what whoever it was in whatever realm did what he/she/it/they did.

But to the point that it's done. Over with. And that that person can move along, move forward, and take the lesson part of it to heart, evolve the spirit, resolve to avoid doing it again, and feel better knowing (remembering) that a future point in time is the fading of the mistake. You don't have to have people like you, it's okay. Or if it wasn't that, it doesn't have to be everlasting regret/pain/sorrow. Just... learn. Learn the lesson. Figure out what it is. Find what it is. Be sad as you need to, but don't dwell. If it's anger that ails you, face what is making you angry. Make resolve with it. Make resolve by admitting what needs to be admitted to yourself or others, by learning how to see what makes you feel unsettled, by looking at the resources around you to help see yourself in a removed light, by experiencing the terrifying turn-around that comes with trying to change and the successful peace that comes after the cycle is completed. Understand that all things growing require some kind of painful metamorphosis--life was designed that way--but find rest and peace that all these things were meant for you to have. All these things were meant for you to find, for you to learn, for you to embrace, for you to grow. Find comfort in the end result. Keep hope as a candle flame to whatever darkness is hurting/plaguing you and remember that it is only God above that gives these things to you, for it is He Who created the mustard seed, which is tiny and deceivingly insignificant, but whose seed bears and produces the most enormous tree. Even the seed of a soul-less tree must break in the ground to grow. How much more must we, humans, intricate, beautiful and complex, break the same way in order to grow?

May peace be with you.

18 May 2009

Creepers and peepers and people who like to meddle

You know. I'm really disappointed. I really, really am. You know? You know who you are. Whoever it was who had the time, SPENT the time... trying to... what? Get something? Get somewhere? Do something? By doing... what, exactly? I mean, really. Thank God I can laugh about it now, but really--who are you? WHO? Who would go and waste the time and money on a stamp, spend the energy to concertedly mail a legal-sized envelope without a return address? What kind of person does that? Don't you realize that you won't get credit for looking good when you don't sign your name? I don't get it. It's just so... I don't know the word for it. What an ignobly ballsy thing to do.

Someone somewhere in some... (*hand circle-wave motion)... far off land (within this community, I much assume) found it their calling to print an entry I had written some months ago and mail it to my bosses. Oh yeah. It was mailed in a big brown envelope with no return address and marked "CONFIDENTIAL" on it. The entry, for the record, was one that recounted *shall we say* a 'story' of waitressing and my own monstrous lacking to process more understanding for people's bitchiness. Since realizing I was somewhat of a control freak (*see previous entry,) a MEGA amount of moments and accounts in and of my life have fallen into place and made SO much sense as to why I get SO worked up about things I cannot do anything about. Basically, I realized why I chose to get so impassioned about things (see: 'temperamentally intense-due-to-control issues') that I have absolutely zero control over. I.e. people's thoughts, responses, feelings, reactions, etc.

Anyway, the entry was a little raw, but nothing extreme and with absolutely zero reference to specific names, places, locations, people. Yet, I was approached and asked about it because it showed up in their mail; and the only kind of person to have sent it would have been someone who

a) knew the website (knew how to find it or SUPER coincidentally came across it)
b) knew who I was--enough to know to associate me with my place of work
c) knew where I worked
d) had purpose in sending it or d2) was petty/malicious

It really doesn't matter. Essentially, I've learned 2 very important lessons in all of this, following the lesson in being a control freak. (Probably more, but in the interest of time, I'll keep it down to two.)

1) There is no reason on earth to get that worked up about anything in the service industry. Really. People can be retarded, true, but who of us is exempt from being retarded? And there is certainly nothing that warrants the kind of ventage that was that entry. True. Especially in regards to the very public forum in which it was written and the potential for damage that it was and that it got dragged into my workplace. (Which, is, to whoever you are, SUPER uncool.) So, basic note to self: don't put such extreme anger into an entry, even when trying to be funny.

2) That people are still going to f*** people over even if they've never been mean to them a day in their lives. I try real hard to get along with everyone and NOT because I care if people like me--it is because I enjoy the challenge of getting a smile out of even the most difficult customer. (And why is that?? Because I believe that every single person is a human waiting to be loved and I thrive on the energy that comes from their smiles.) Sure I've spouted my hasty, heated words and I am FAR from perfect (and my mission to make people smile has its limits), but I generally go out of my way (until severely provoked otherwise) to make someone feel good about themselves. But people still aren't going to care.

In the end, it's just the basic principles on the playground being violated and luckily, I don't have time for it, nor do my bosses. I hope that whoever it was that read that blog and printed it out at least has read my other blogs and taken the time to enjoy them because anything less just means their mission was in vain.