05 September 2013


Goooooood evening, non-existent readers! This is my return to blogging! Oh yes, yes it is. Nay, it is my return to me. And it is a positive return, people. P-O-S-I-T-I-V-E, I tell you.

Today was the day I managed to acquire a good chunk of myself and restore (or capping off the general restoration process that has been my life since moving to this province) a part of me that has long been missing.

Perhaps in my dad's terms, I have regained my center, for a lack of better way to put it. Or maybe it's the perfect way to put it, if you consider the rhythm of this post. Or maybe it's not a good way to put it at all whatsoever in the least because I haven't found my center since I never really followed my dad's advice to do what he did to find himself and be okay with being alone.

But striving to find that inner balance, even when once struck, is an on-going project of the human experience and none of us are the same as another. Not even our parents, as much as we grow up to learn that their ways weren't so bad.

And at the end of the day, I know what kind of decision I'm making--good or bad--and finding myself has never been that difficult of a feat. I grew up the oldest sister and the only girl. Sometimes there just wasn't anything else to do BUT be alone and figure out if what I wanted any given day was to be a girly girl or play with Tonka Trucks, G.I. Joes, Castle Greyskull OR... just do whatever my own thing was!

And then, once upon a time, long ago, in another dimension and in another time when I was stupid and not in a good place, I did stupid things. Stupid things! Can you imagine! Stupid things which have had consequences, far reaching consequences and long-time, suckass effects, which conspired in its beautiful and twisted way to rip open a very beautiful, very priceless lesson.

Never let go of who you are. And never, ever surround yourself with anyone--ANY-ONE--who does not require you to be the best person you can be.

Learning this changes nothing about your immediate circumstances. It doesn't make you rich.  It doesn't change your coworkers' attitudes. It doesn't undo the stupid parts. It doesn't even provide guarantees that you'll be a good person. But it does set the stage for a much richer, healthier, happier experience for being the best person you can be, especially if you are a good person with good morals.

Trevor has unwittingly taught me more of this than he realizes and definitely more than he would ever take credit for. Just by being a solid, normal, real, beautiful man person in my life. Not by making my life anything I wished for (although he kind has done that as a side bonus), but by being my equal.

But I take credit, too. I take credit for the work where I did it. And praise Our Lord for guiding me when I was doing the work and praise Him for filling in the gaps when I wasn't.

And so, after remembering all the things I used to love and do that I had forgotten, after dropping activities in rapid succession or taking up things I didn't want to take on, after doing things for people for so long and not balancing things for myself, and after making decisions that were so unbelievably, effing retarded or extreme, after spending and wasting tears on the wrong expenditure of time or persons, after emotionally extrapolating every last morsel of control I tried to have and didn't, I got so unbelievably pissed for waiting so long to pull my head out of my ass and realized, once again, that the choice to wake up and STAY awake is a constant, ever-existing, repeating one.

My hair which had gotten so long had started to become a symbol of this baggage, a reminder of when I started growing it. I had taken pride in taking care of it, it became a habit. So in a "last" wave of  conscious living, I chopped it off. Seven inches. And did this:

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